idleness
i've had a very idle week. school's started and like any new school year, the first week seems to be filled with a lot of breaks. i'd like to get more done but it seems like the rest of the world isn't so accomodating to when i have a spare.
so, i find myself falling into old habits. taking lots of naps. surprisingly my body doesn't refuse. i slept 14hrs the other night and that was with a 2hr break at 12am. caught the news about the terrorists. it makes me feel uneasy. how much of the hype is true? are we all to be afraid?
with all this idleness, i've had plenty of time to think. a very bad thing for me as my thoughts tend to wander into territories i'd rather forget. these are times when i wish i was in a bustling city, back home, where i can lose my thoughts in the noisiness of the city or even further back where home is in the country, where my thoughts are dissipated through the breeze of an open field. this city, where there's noise but just not enough or there's quiet but just not enough, puts me in this state of limbo where thoughts pound hard. but with that said, i can't hold an animosity for this city anymore. i've found pockets of treasures. i've learned to open a positive perspective. i guess, this optimism, although makes me happy to be here, makes me sad to know i'll be leaving soon. besides, it's truly unfair to despise a city where i've met some extremely amazing individuals.
still, i guess the hardest part for me has been the shear lack of friends. it's truly lonesome here. i know that even back home, i wouldn't be occupied every minute of the day with friends but i know i never felt lonely. and my friends back home, there's this innate sense of i don't know what but i haven't really found it here. i guess there was always something to do, someone to hang out with and the laughs were so abundant. i guess i miss laughing till i cried and most importantly, all of it was so effortless. i could experience the same here but i feel i have to make such an effort. and i know it has absolutely nothing to do with the people here. it's the state i'm in. i subconsciously refuse to plant any roots here. deathly afraid of making strong ties because i don't want to stay. i'm my very worst enemy.
so, i find myself falling into old habits. taking lots of naps. surprisingly my body doesn't refuse. i slept 14hrs the other night and that was with a 2hr break at 12am. caught the news about the terrorists. it makes me feel uneasy. how much of the hype is true? are we all to be afraid?
with all this idleness, i've had plenty of time to think. a very bad thing for me as my thoughts tend to wander into territories i'd rather forget. these are times when i wish i was in a bustling city, back home, where i can lose my thoughts in the noisiness of the city or even further back where home is in the country, where my thoughts are dissipated through the breeze of an open field. this city, where there's noise but just not enough or there's quiet but just not enough, puts me in this state of limbo where thoughts pound hard. but with that said, i can't hold an animosity for this city anymore. i've found pockets of treasures. i've learned to open a positive perspective. i guess, this optimism, although makes me happy to be here, makes me sad to know i'll be leaving soon. besides, it's truly unfair to despise a city where i've met some extremely amazing individuals.
still, i guess the hardest part for me has been the shear lack of friends. it's truly lonesome here. i know that even back home, i wouldn't be occupied every minute of the day with friends but i know i never felt lonely. and my friends back home, there's this innate sense of i don't know what but i haven't really found it here. i guess there was always something to do, someone to hang out with and the laughs were so abundant. i guess i miss laughing till i cried and most importantly, all of it was so effortless. i could experience the same here but i feel i have to make such an effort. and i know it has absolutely nothing to do with the people here. it's the state i'm in. i subconsciously refuse to plant any roots here. deathly afraid of making strong ties because i don't want to stay. i'm my very worst enemy.
posted by nHuBBie at 9:01 PM
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